What is the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness Poster you may ask? Let us Explain.
First, we must answer, who is Ron Swanson? Why would he take years to calibrate the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness poster. Ron Swanson is a militant adversary of big government and dependency. He is the model of minimal manual labor, and mascot of masculinity.
Despite his bold prowess, he bestows wisdom such as: “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.” OR “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”
The 24"x 36" framed poster was borne of Swanson's predatorial pursuit of masculine achievement. The resulting Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness Poster is a must in any REAL man cave.
Several of years in the making, and a few simple thoughts brought about this calibrated mountain of manhood. So toss that fanny pack, and let's get into what it takes to be a tranquil, yet domineering, male figure.
- Frankness: Cut the B.S.
- Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.
- Facial hair: Full, thick and square. Nothing sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.
- Living in the woods: Live off the land.
- Rage: One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.
- Security: Secure the land.
- Poise: Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.
- Handshakes: Firm, Dry, Solid. 3 seconds.
- Body grooming: Only women shave beneath the neck.
Row 2 offers strategies for the rookie male to prevent exposure to toxicities of emotion and developing physical strength:
- Friends: One to Three is sufficient.
- Property rights: They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you.
- Masonry: Building Walls makes you strong. Defending them makes you even stronger.
- Cabins: Places to rest that are made of logs.
- Perspiration: Only sweat during physical activity or love making. No emotional sweating.
- You: You are your biggest ally and your worst enemy, at the same time.
- Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
- Physical Fitness
Row 3 the blooming briar hopper begins to fulfill his development:
- Intensity: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
- Torso: Should be thick and impenetrable.
- Spicy Food: When you eat it, it should be the food that is scared
- B.O.: Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice.
- Stillness: Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.
- Skim milk: Avoid it.
- Cursing: There's only one bad word: Taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors, it's good enough for you.
Row 4 is all the things that keep a growing boy strong:
- Cow protein
- Pig protein
- Chicken Protein
- Romantic love
- Deer protein
- Fish (Sport only)
Row 5 is for when the gallant bloke is beginning to grasp self sustainability:
- Discipline: The ability to repeat a boring thing over and over again.
- Attire: Shorts over 6" are capri pants. Shorts under 6" are European.
- Self-reliance: Trust yourself.
- Suspicion: Do not trust anyone else.
- Skim milk: That's right. It's on here twice. Avoid it.
Row 6 more self help shrewdness:
- Teamwork: Work together as if your life depends on it... IT DOES!
- Selfishness: Take what's yours.
- Haircuts: 3 acceptable styles: High and Tight, Crew Cut & Buzz Cut.
- Greatness itself: The best revenge. The only entry that repeats the overall title.
Row 7 covers some tools of the trade:
- Wood working
- Welfare avoidance
Row 8 hits the merits of true 'Merican Manhood:
- America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures", use an atlas or a ham radio.
- Buffets: Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality.
The pinnacle row 9 completely severs the men from those left behind in boyhood:
- Honor: If you need it defined, you don't have it.
And there you have it. The holy grail of masculinity. Now, you can display the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness poster with pride. Then, start shedding any boyhood bents and don your virility with dignity.